Oh I needed these words this afternoon.
My days are full at NWPSI, but my afternoons are more full - full of my first priority, being a momma. But today, today, it got the best of me.
I hear the words of the pediatrician from our 1 year appointment. "Expect to start seeing tantrums," in his jovial, but wise voice. Already? He must be kidding.
Today. Today this momma was tested. This mom was tired, trying to prep for demo tomorrow, trying to balance being a mommy and work on a scale that is really simple unable to ever be balanced. In that moment, my heart broke. Why is she fighting me? I know she doesn't mean it, but it's that feeling. All you mommas know what I'm talking about!
It was in that moment of sitting on the kitchen floor, helpless, that I saw my need for grace. This is parenting. The grace that sustains me daily is the only grace that will sustain me as a mommy - to help me love K well, even in the midst of these nasty tantrums.
I looked at Michael with tears in my eyes and had to walk out. I had to leave to situation to deal with my own heart. My heart hurt. My heart was upset. My heart was not ready to speak gently to K. I needed some time with the Father to pray, to seek - to beg for wisdom and grace in my words to her.
A little mommy time at the gym helped me let it go. In the middle of my workout, I looked down to find this:
My days are full at NWPSI, but my afternoons are more full - full of my first priority, being a momma. But today, today, it got the best of me.
I hear the words of the pediatrician from our 1 year appointment. "Expect to start seeing tantrums," in his jovial, but wise voice. Already? He must be kidding.
Today. Today this momma was tested. This mom was tired, trying to prep for demo tomorrow, trying to balance being a mommy and work on a scale that is really simple unable to ever be balanced. In that moment, my heart broke. Why is she fighting me? I know she doesn't mean it, but it's that feeling. All you mommas know what I'm talking about!
It was in that moment of sitting on the kitchen floor, helpless, that I saw my need for grace. This is parenting. The grace that sustains me daily is the only grace that will sustain me as a mommy - to help me love K well, even in the midst of these nasty tantrums.
I looked at Michael with tears in my eyes and had to walk out. I had to leave to situation to deal with my own heart. My heart hurt. My heart was upset. My heart was not ready to speak gently to K. I needed some time with the Father to pray, to seek - to beg for wisdom and grace in my words to her.
A little mommy time at the gym helped me let it go. In the middle of my workout, I looked down to find this:
Michael and Kinleigh were showing me grace. Tears welled up in my eyes. Be still my sinful heart. They were giving me that undeserved favor when I felt like a total failure as a mom. They were showing me to love and grace of Christ. Although a sweet apology from daddy, it was me that I felt like was being forgiven.
Here's to a new start tomorrow. So for now, two six word memoirs...
mom: always missing it; best ever
family: love more than the world or, if you're in our family, familia: amo más que todo el mundo
2 comments:
Children often pick up our energy. When we are falling apart on the inside, they fall apart on the outside. They tend to mirror our emotions. Be easier on yourself. It is clear you love your precious one.
Thanks Deby!
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