Dissatisfied

I'm sitting here needing to get something things accomplished for school. For example, I have one class's paragraph responses that I need to read through. I still need to type up lesson plans because I'm slightly behind on that and I thought I would be ahead given my students are in the library for research since Monday. On to the point, though. I cannot even bring myself to do any of those things. I have what feels like a lump stuck in my chest and I cannot get rid of it. I feel a bit of anxiety, containment, and eagerness all lumped together to create an uneasy feeling inside of me.

I am dissatisfied!

Simply put, but not simply solved. Ever since I was in high school and the Lord changed my heart, I have wanted to serve Him in ministry. I believe He called me to that purpose with all my heart. However,  my "job" is as an English teacher at a local high school. I love teaching! I love my students! I love being able to push them mentally and culturally, which I feel is so often misdirected. I love getting to interact with them, building relationships with them, and being able to speak into their lives on a much further level than if they understand a soliloquy in whatever Shakespeare tragedy we may be covering or what the donne of the current short story is. Despite the things I love about my job, I still feel dissatisfied. Why? What do I need to do? Is this dissatisfaction from the Lord? I'm not sure I'm ready to answer that completely - which drives me crazy because I'm a pretty black and white kind of person. But whether it is or is not, I'm not sure it matters at this point. I know the Lord is allowing me to walk this path to challenge me to pursue him in a way that I never have before. I am ever so dependent on Him and so what I need to do, is be still and know that He is God!

I have been in a funk and I am tired of it. I feel as though I cannot get through the day and it was then that Lord reminded me of who He is and of His precious grace. He brought a Psalm to mind that He was so kind to lay on my heart for more than a week earlier in the summer.

The Psalmist writes:
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and all that is within me,
    bless his holy name!
² Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,
³ who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
⁵ who satisfies you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Psalm 103)

So I said to myself (yes, I know this sounds crazy), but Soul, BLESS THE LORD!!! Remember who he is. Remember that He is holy! Remember that He has forgiven you through His Son Jesus Christ! Remember that you were a filthy sinner condemned and unclean. But remember that it is Christ who took on your condemnation and exchanged it for his righteousness. Remember that you were once an enemy of God. But it is Christ who, though you were that enemy of God, brought you near to the Father through His own Remember that you were sick with a diseased heart. Remember, Hallelujah! that it is Christ who gave you a heart of flesh to replace your heart of stone. Remember that you were falling in an eternal pit of despair. But remember it is Christ who saved you and gave you eternal life through His blood so that you can spend forever worshiping the One true God!

Now, my heart is overjoyed! Now I don't know why my soul is in turmoil within me, but when I dwell on Christ and the Gospel...it suddenly fades a way!

Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! 1 Corinthians 15:57