In Memory of Tonya and Kyle...

I wrote the following Thursday morning on the airplane coming back from Colorado. Thoughts prevented me from sleeping...

Many poets in history believed that the only way for someone to live on and be remembered was through writing about that person. (Although in this case we are confident that Kyle and Tonya live on in the presence of God.) But it seems right to attempt to put my thoughts into words, knowing that they are scarcely worthy of the precious lives that no longer live in what is temporal.

In the spring semester of 2011 I met Kyle for the first time. I'll never forget the big, goofy smile of a braces-filled mouth that entered my class that semester. I'll never forget where he sat in my classroom—right in front of my desk. I'll never forget that goofy laugh that preceded his visible presence. This kid I loved! He made me smile. He made me roll my eyes—I'm sure—on numerous occasions because, after all, you can't laugh about everything! Or can you? Thinking back, I recall how that laugh was eventually tamed by his maturity and inquiring mind. And then after my time as his teacher, I found him visiting. He would spend breaks and after school sitting atop one of my desks just chatting about life. Conversations led to him attending youth at our church, and there Kyle not only became one of my “kids,” but also my husband’s. Kyle was eager to grow in the Lord and come to understand the grace of God in Christ. His questions led to growth in the Lord and humble service both to his immediate family and everyone around him. I replay late nights sharing meals with him at Cookout on top of the hours this boy spent in our home. From countless hours of community service to dance-off competitions to Just Dance in our living room (yes, there are videos!), I would never have imagined I’d now be writing this. And gosh, he helped us assemble our closet insert when I was way too pregnant to be doing it. (He stayed almost the whole night helping us.) Typing this doesn’t make his absence any more real than before I started writing; he was such a part of our lives for that season. My heart is broken.

Kyle’s faithfulness to our church at the time ultimately led his family there as well. And that's where Tonya comes in. I met Tonya when I had Kyle in class, but didn't have the privilege of really knowing her until a few years later. Her smile was contagious and her laugh filled the room. As a young momma, I loved talking to her. I loved her being real with me, encouraging me, and just dropping by as I managed a newborn, so that I wouldn't have to be at home by myself for a few hours. Tears fill my eyes as I recall her coming over just after Kinleigh was born. I know she and Kyle brought food, or beer bread mix (which I probably still have, since mine is never as good as hers!), or something, but that's not what I remember about that night. I remember her sitting there assuring me that I was okay as a new mom. I remember her talking to me about life and her experiences raising Kyle and now four more. I remember her dying to get her hands on Kinleigh—and she did. :) She held her with such love and grace and comforted her with the bounce only experienced mommas know. I remember countless nights out under the picnic shelter after church just girl chatting with the other ladies. These are priceless moments for a young momma's heart. I remember sitting with her and the family as her momma battled cancer and we were there to celebrate when her momma beat it. I remember how much love filled the room and how close she and her sister were. Her love and dedication to her family was rare and obvious.

One of my fondest and sweetest moments with the Curtis family came when the boys were asking questions about the gospel, and Jerry and Tonya asked us to come and talk with Cole and Austin. Tonya wanted to be sure that all their questions were answered and she wanted them to, once they placed faith in Christ, to be assured of their salvation. She understood the importance of the gospel and how, if truly encountered, it would rock their world. She wanted them to know that when they believed in Christ it was a forever change in their hearts and that nothing would separate them from Christ. Such joy filled conversation that night! How Tonya desired for her boys to know Christ!

Kyle and Tonya, in those years it was just the two of you I know you never would have imagined you would take your final breath on earth together. In a way I see it as such sweet grace from the Lord. Tonya, Kyle loved you so much. He thought the world of you. He admired you as a hard worker, a money manager, and as the rock of the family. Kyle, you know how much she loved you. You were her little man! You two were so close! I always admired your relationship and pray for the same that with our kids. Ending this post seems to make it real in my mind. Were it to remain unfinished, then it might be untrue. But it is. I can't imagine what life without you two looks like for your family and friends, because you were loved by so many. But of this one thing I’m sure: Christ has given you the promise of life and you two are seeing that fully and completely. Worship and enjoy the presence of our great God forevermore, till we meet again.

"Do the best you can and let God's grace get the rest of it."

Avoiding a meltdown at any given moment in any given place. (see pic above)

Waiting for an hour while toddler causally eats breakfast. lunch. and dinner. (I thought I ate slow!)

A tantrum in the middle of a store or restaurant.

A curt remark to my toddler after she asks for a snack for the hundred millionth time within 20 minutes.

Suddenly deciding "I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs when I don't get my way." (*eyeroll)

Falling asleep on the couch while the toddler plays and waking suddenly to realize that your child has been unsupervised during your "nap".

Little fingers under the door when you just need to go to the bathroom just this once by yourself.

The tug on your shorts consistently the entire time you are making dinner, not to mention the whining that accompanies the cute little tugs.

Come on other mammas, you know what I'm talking about.

I've been struggling to parent an almost two year old. There are decisions I'm making on the fly seemingly every second. There's not enough time to think for a day as to whether that decision will have any lasting negative effects or whether that decision is shepherding their hearts as I've been called to do. I've been honest with people that ask about the newborn - he's really no problem, but I'm struggling to parent my older one as she grows and matures daily. And constantly I receive the same advice: "Do the best you can and let God's grace get the rest of it."

Tears flow from my eyes as I write this. MY BEST IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

Those words are scary. Those words haunt me as I think of the responsibility that God's given me in raising and shepherding my children's hearts. 

But in meditating on that phrase, I realize exactly - my best is not good enough. It is not enough to let God's grace get the rest. I need it all. I need God's grace to cover, bath, suffocate even my best stuff I can pull out in my arsenal of parenting (don't laugh, it's slim). I will never be the perfect example that I need to be, but I don't want them to see me as someone that's perfect. I want them to see me as a sinner. I want them to see me as someone saved by the undeserving grace of God. I want them to see me as my heart hurts when I sin and the Spirit calls me to repentance. I want them to see and remember when I hold them in my arms and confess my sin to them and apologize. I want them to see me shed tears for my sin. I want them to hear me say that I cannot do anything right apart from Christ.

And most of all, I want them to see Christ. I want them to see him for the beauty that he is. I want them to see him as the perfect one. The one worth living for and fighting sin for. I want them to see that despite my failing attempts at the fight, he still loves me, calls me, and extends grace to me.

So yeah, my best is not good enough. I'm still trying to figure out what it means day in and day out to rely on the grace of God to parent, but I'm learning, I'm failing, and I'm relying on his grace to pull me back up and keep on.

Your grace is sufficient for me. Your strength is made perfect when I am weak. All that I cling to, I lay at your feet. Your grace is sufficient for me. (Shane & Shane)

Grace and only grace. - j

[aw-then-tik]

1. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. This is the word that finally connect my inquiry group today. As we began talking about our inquiries and trying to figure out how in the world we were going to mesh them together for a "documentary". I immediately began seeing a map. I quickly jumped up in need of big paper and markers. I began writing, asking questions, listening, and mapping. Here is what we got:

Wobble - UNCC WP SI style

Oh, oh, oh, oh
All the teachers in the room
(Let me see you just)
Improv it up, write it down
(Let me see you just)
Get messy 'plore around
(Let me see you just)
Meme it up, meme it up
(Let me see you just)

Chorus
Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble (yeah) (x4)
Write in there, yeah, yeah (x4)
Ey teacher make em' think it up, make em' make it up (x4)

Verse 1:
I got em' writin' it like daily,
Man I'm writing my thoughts like daily.
The haters 'sess the kids like judges,
Cause I'm makin' a dino so lets make.
I'm taking the reigns, the games mine.
Yall witness a change it's my time.
Yea I'm new to the 'stute but yall might wanna see me show success all the time
I could write homie, I don't regress,
Yall looking at something like a true maker.
A teach told me that a man that marked up in red pen is like child abuse in the classroom.
Now all you teachers let me see you curate.
And when it's over you gonna do is remake
Cuz I'm a pro, make ya bend ya mind like you ain't never thougt before like creator

Chorus
Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble (yeah) (x4)
Write in there, yeah, yeah (x4)
Ey teacher make em' write it up, make em' make it up (x4)

Verse 2:
Teach demo it, and ima adapt it.
I see you movin your head, your head bobblin'
We can cradle that thought in the discussion
The tc's say my head is going to explode now
God help us I'm excited, but I can't think my flow overload
Each got a gift like it gotta be christmas
Swag don't miss it we all got that gift
The dude brought writing and they want pictures
And they want a digital product yo
Little by little we each blossomed in our time
Cuz you can't leave SI unchanged for the near future
Want write? yes you can; you are a good writer
And we will miss you, oh it can't be
that it's over, cuz you got growin'
And I don't think any of us are now finished

Chorus
Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble (yeah) (x4)
Get in there, yeah, yeah (x4)
Ey teacher make em' think it up, make em' make it up (x4)

Bridge
Mr. Fulton
Oh, oh, oh, oh
All the teachers in the room
(Let me see you just)
Improv it up, write it down
(Let me see you just)
Get messy 'plore around
(Let me see you just)
meme it up, meme it up
(Let me see you just)
Wobble wobble, shake shake it shake it
(Just give it here)
Wobble wobble, just write it write it
(Just give it here)
Show me whatcha wrote show me whatcha wrote
(Just give it here)
Show me whatcha made show me whatcha made

Ey teacher make em' write it up, make em' make it up (x4)

Wait a minute now (x4)
Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble (yeah) (x4)
Get in there, yeah, yeah (x4)
Ey teacher make em' write it up, make em' make it up (x4)

This is not the end...

With all that we have learned, I feel a little ashamed that I'm simply writing a blog post.  Nevertheless, here goes:

This Is Not the End - Gungor

This is not the end

This is not the end of this

We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last

This is not our last breath

We will open our mouths wide, wider

And you know you’ll be alright

Oh and you know you’ll be alright

This is not the end

This is not the end of us

We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

First of all, I want to acknowledge that these words are totally taken out of the context they are meant for, and honestly I don't even really know the song. But every time something comes to an end, these words always come to mind. It wasn't until I searched to find the song that I realized how perfectly appropriate these words really are. I would like to take a few of these lines and add (remake) a few of my own.


"We will open our eyes wide, wider"
We will be the teachers that look for opportunities! We will open our eyes to see where students are in grammar and meet them there. We will open our eyes to see where our students are in discovering who they are and what their story is and we will give them the free opportunity to get it out whether it be on paper, in digital form, and in make. We will open our eyes to opportunities to bridge the gap between content areas against all odds. We will open our eyes to assess when something doesn't work - even if that means assessing assessment. We will open our eyes.

"We will open our mouth wide, wider" 
We will be the voice of the teachers who long for change - who long to make a difference and break from norm that doesn't work. We will open our mouths to give the students option, to give the opportunity to share their voice, to open discussion to an uncomfortable, yet "safe" zone where the wobble can occur. We will open our mouths wide to fight for our students - to fight against a 70, to fight against the odds stacked against them, to fight against a self-destroying attitude, to fight against traditional teaching that does not help them. We will be the voice of student-centered learning. We will open our mouths.

"We will also open our ears wide, wider"
We will be the hearers of our students story. We will open our ears to their unique words - to their feelings, to their joys. We will open our ears to hear their feedback and use it to form our daily lessons We will open our ears to hear when something isn't working. We will open our ears to hear and assess them during activities. We will listen to what they are saying. We will listen to what they are not saying. We will listen to their opinions. We will listen to the loud student and we will listen to the quiet one. We will open our ears.

"We will open our hands wide, wider"
We will open our hands to what the day has to offer. We will open our hands to help our students. We will open our hands to make and become learners with our students. We will open our hands and drop the red pen. We will open our hands to receive their stories in whatever forms work best for them. We will open our hands to lift them up and encourage them when they are stuck. We will open our hands.

"We will shine like the stars bright, brighter." - 
We will shine. We will stand out. We will be bright. We will make a difference in our classroom. Our classes will stand out. Our learning will shine. Our students' lights will go off. Our students will shine. Our students will soar. Our students will grow as learners, as writers, and as people in our society. We will shine. 


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On a last personal note for now: I'm really sad these three weeks are over. It seems so strange that just two months ago we came together as strangers whose worlds did not collide and now I can't imagine my world without you guys. How has it taken me this long to do SI? You guys have encouraged me, caused me to think, challenged me, allowed me to be free to be uncomfortable, and you have become friends. So enough with the sappy stuff! Love you guys and I look forward to wobbling on with you! Thank you SI for giving us this community. 

The Journey of Inquiry

When I first met with Lil and Steve, I told them that I was interested in assessment because I was conflicted as to how an letter and/or number grade could ever reflect a student's writing. Seriously, though? How can it? As we met during orientation and began mapping out ideas of things that we wanted to inquire about, mine seemed to all circle around assessment (well, for the most part) as seen here.

Even on the first day of SI that we actually put those thoughts on paper and narrowed it down to three, assessment was still on mine, but I felt like there had to be something of more value to inquire about. 

So I started focusing on my middle topic. I wanted to look at how to engage students with real-world writing. After all, I felt like my demo was in that area and I feel like it's an area that I'm super weak in.

I had a rough start to my inquiry. I had trouble finding the right resources that I needed. Maybe I wasn't saying this correctly? Was my topic old news? Was it no longer a "hot topic"? I was about to give up when I finally found some helpful resources in the last few minutes of our time in the library.

But everything changed when I read the article over the weekend about assessment. The tension of grading is more than I can bear at times. So here I am back to assessment. I haven't left my other topics behind, but at the moment assessment is where my mind keeps coming back to.


Rocking the World of Grading

I read the article "Ranking, Evaluating, and Liking: Sorting out Three Forms of Judgment" by Peter Elbow. It totally rocked my world. This is what I sent my fellow 10th grade teacher, Steph:

I finally saw, heard, thought, about the reasons behind things I had seen her model, but never understood. I was equally frustrated but in my "new teacher trying to not be a pushover" I couldn't grasp it. Now, 5 years in, which yes, I know is not much, I am seeing all the problems with grading. I am in constant tension between giving students feedback and useful comments of assessment and the demand for grading. 

Personal Experience with Grading as of Late

I am in a school that went through a pd, if that's what you want to call it, on standard-based grading. Can I be so blunt here? Teachers left the meeting time after time confused because our instructor was using terms incorrectly, angry because disagreements were not handled in a good community, and determined to not do whatever was demanded for the heck of it. What that has left us with is a grading policy which states that 25% of grades are formative assignments (which formatives shouldn't be graded, but whatever, smarter people than me obviously made this thing) and summatives are to be 75% which can be restested with remediation to get a better grade replaced. My heart hurts even writing that.

So what has that looked like in my classroom and in my school?

I see more students cheating, which Elbow talked about in his article. I see more students doing the least amount of work because they can retest whenever it's more convenient for them. I see more teachers being frustrated. I see expectations lowered because after all, formatives are the time to learn anymore, summatives are and you can learn and relearn and relearn some more as many times as you want until you end up with the summative grade that you want (or should I say need)

So how does this apply to the Elbow article and my inquiry of assessment?

I want this environment of this stupid grading system to not control my classroom. At the beginning of the article, he said that assessment drives/controls teaching. So here's my inquiry: If that statement is true, don't I want my assessment to be authentic? Do I want my assessment to control cheaters? Or do I want my assessment to grow writers/learners who have authentic learning experiences in my classroom? I'm trying to figure out how I can apply his premises to my classroom:

1. Less ranking
2. More evaluating
3. Installing evaluation free zones
4. More liking

I know this is specific to writing and I'm bringing a much larger problem of grading into the mix, but I think my inquiry will continue to help me understand both the narrow and larger picture and hopefully transform my classroom into a better place to learn. 

Stupid grades.

Be still, my new momma heart

Oh I needed these words this afternoon.

My days are full at NWPSI, but my afternoons are more full - full of my first priority, being a momma. But today, today, it got the best of me.

I hear the words of the pediatrician from our 1 year appointment. "Expect to start seeing tantrums," in his jovial, but wise voice. Already? He must be kidding.

Today. Today this momma was tested. This mom was tired, trying to prep for demo tomorrow, trying to balance being a mommy and work on a scale that is really simple unable to ever be balanced. In that moment, my heart broke. Why is she fighting me? I know she doesn't mean it, but it's that feeling. All you mommas know what I'm talking about!

It was in that moment of sitting on the kitchen floor, helpless, that I saw my need for grace. This is parenting. The grace that sustains me daily is the only grace that will sustain me as a mommy - to help me love K well, even in the midst of these nasty tantrums.

I looked at Michael with tears in my eyes and had to walk out. I had to leave to situation to deal with my own heart. My heart hurt. My heart was upset. My heart was not ready to speak gently to K. I needed some time with the Father to pray, to seek - to beg for wisdom and grace in my words to her.

A little mommy time at the gym helped me let it go. In the middle of my workout, I looked down to find this:

Michael and Kinleigh were showing me grace. Tears welled up in my eyes. Be still my sinful heart. They were giving me that undeserved favor when I felt like a total failure as a mom. They were showing me to love and grace of Christ. Although a sweet apology from daddy, it was me that I felt like was being forgiven. 

Here's to a new start tomorrow. So for now, two six word memoirs...

mom: always missing it; best ever

family: love more than the world or, if you're in our family, familia: amo más que todo el mundo