I have sat down to write this post multiple times since Monday and I haven't been able to bring myself to it, so here goes...
"I HATE LIFE"
These are the words that I slowly saw forming on graph paper during the exam I gave on Monday. That visual I cannot shake from my mind.
Before she shaded it in darkly, I thought that was what she was writing, but I wanted to believe that I had not seen what my eyes bore witness to. So I circled around the room, slowly this time so she wouldn't think I was just walking slower around her. That meandering walk revealed what I wished was not true.
"I HATE LIFE"
I guess the first thought that would pop into anyone's mind is - Why?
However, I couldn't find any questions in my mind. I wanted to poor my heart out to her. You see, that was me.
My early years in high school left me broken - feeling alone, worthless, mad at myself (actually I hated myself), and hated life.
Even writing those words makes me ashamed.
I thought my worth was in looks. I was overweight. I thought my worth was in friends. I didn't have true friends. The ones I had didn't act like friends to me. I thought my worth was in a boyfriend. No one was interested in me. I thought my worth was in being nice and loveable. I was confrontational and angry. I thought my worth was in a perfect family. Mine was not. I thought my worth was in fitting in. I sat on the outside (at least in my mind). And when I tried to make my worth and find it in those things, one problem still remained - it didn't bring me joy.
So what did that look like? It looked like me wishing my life away. It looked like thinking about opening a car door as the car was driving. It looked like going in my room and crying with unbelievable hate for myself. It looked like an eating disorder - not eating. It looked like anxiety - severe anxiety attacks. It looked like withdrawls from anxiety medication. It looked like me withdrawing from everything I once knew.
But God...
But God had a plan even in the darkest time in my life. In all those feelings of worthlessness I had nowhere else to turn except to the One I had heard about my whole life. He led me to his word when I had no desire for it. But what other option did I have? I'll never forget reading the God-inspired words of David:
Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me. (Psalm 69:1-2)
Yes, God this is how I feel. Those words seemed to read my heart in a way I could not communicate. The longings I had that I could not attain, the wickedness I had but could not kill, and the brokenness I had but could not heal, could it be that the same God who rescued David rescue me from the mess of a life that I have? The spirit kept beckoning me to His word. I found myself calling out the same prayer of David::
I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God. More in number than the hairs of my head are those who hate me without cause; mighty are those who would destroy me, those who attack me with lies. What I did not steal must I now restore? O God, you know my folly; the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you...
But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. Deliver me from sinking in the mire; let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters. Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not your face from your servant; for I am in distress; make haste to answer me. Draw near to my soul, redeem me; ransom me because of my enemies!
But I am afflicted and in pain;
let your salvation, O God, set me on high! (Psalm 69:3-5, 13-18,29)
Oh was I praying that the salvation of Christ would be my joy. Oh that the salvation of Christ save me from this mess I was in. It wasn't in one night. But over the course of months, the Lord changed my heart. He didn't excuse my sin, but He showed me a Savior in his word that took on my sin as a perfect sacrifice so that I could come before a holy and righteous God. It was through the Gospel that the Lord began dealing with all this pain in my life. He began exposing dark, nasty sin in my life and with the Spirit's help, killing it daily. He began to teach me to surrender my life to him daily so that I could live in a pleasing and honorable way to him. It was also in the Gospel that he showed me unbelievable, undeserving grace in that he would rescue a nasty, evil sinner like myself. And I needed rescuing.
See, it was that truth that I am praying daily that the Lord will one day allow me to share with that young girl. I wanted to to share with her the only ONE who could change that sentence: I HATE LIFE. She didn't doodle that because she loves writing those words on paper. She's begging for a answer. She's longing for a lifejacket as she's sinking with her head barely coming from the water. She's looking for pure joy. She's looking for something to satisfy that God-given desire to be satisfied by her Creator.
My prayer is that she will be able to pray: "Let your salvation, O God, set me on high."
